Monday, May 31, 2010♥8:32 PM
hmm...took maths test today. hmm... wasnt that bad... though i spent a few er.. hours? trying to cramp all the possible limits for x approaching infinity into my head. didnt really worked, but thank goodness it didnt come out at all except for the last part. when i saw the question, i already knew i wasnt going to do it. hahas. overall, not bad lo. except im gonna lose like 2-3 marks for the wrong answer with the correct working. hahas. not bad, not bad. hahas.
hmm.. why do i so not feel like doing ckt? im sitting in front of the com, looking at the screen, playing games on facebook, talking to people on msn, while all the time willing my hand to move my mouse to access the tp student portal to at least take a look at the past year questions. well, the paper is like 2005/2006 lehs. what much use is that? still... its better to look at it than not to. well, at least i did make an effort to look at it and to try out the questions, using my calculator to calculate.
dear, i dont know why, but i cant seem to stop loving you.
&I'll smile for you(:
Sunday, May 30, 2010♥9:08 PM
hmm.. kinda not in the mood to blog today, but heck lah. woke up late, was in a rush to go out, had a very nice lunch at grandma's place, then went to church. bought some papers for folding stars, but seriously, how can they expect people to fold so mini stars? nearly broke my nails a few times. folding hearts are so so much easier. more fun also. hmm.. received a call after service, asking me to teach elaine. okay, so took bus 23 all the way to tampines interchange and then went to the library. stayed there till 6 plus then sent all of them off. kinda. then went back to the library again. sat in a corner reading then a little indian girl keep looking at me. so i smiled at her, waved and said hello. and she smiled back and waved then blew kisses at me b4 saying byebye. after that, she came back a few times and kept blowing kisses at me. seriously, kids are really cute. except, when they start crying. dont you agree? hahas. spent the rest of the time folding stars. why did i even bothered to do so? i seriously dont know.
&I'll smile for you(:
Saturday, May 29, 2010♥12:45 PM
i seriously dont know whats wrong now. damn. just 2 days of staying at home and my mind's totally messed up. i hate this kind of feeling. i really do. i hate it when nothing goes according to the way i want it. i dont know whats wrong with everything. hate it hate it hate it! seriously, i've never felt this way b4 when i was staying at home after o's for like more than 4 months. after going into poly, it kinda seems like everything at home changed for the worse. why? i really dont understand. no one understands me. even i dont really understand myself.
been feeling very frustrated with dear over very very little things. idk why. i really dont. i tried not to be so frustrated over little things. i did try. but it isnt working. i hate feeling like this. i've spent so long building up that mask that i used to hide my feelings from people. and now, it seems like its all crumbling down. it wasnt easy for me to pretend that im alright and everything's alright for the past 2 years. but still, i think i did a good job of it. at least no one could really tell how i really am except for rochelle.
i hate breaking down like this. i hate my life going apart like this. i hate being vunerable in front of people. im too used to keeping everything to myself. too used to hiding behind a mask. a mask thats always smiling and pretending that im alright. too used to just caring abt how people feel instead of how i feel. too used to getting caught up in other people's problems when i cant even settle my own.
i hate being alone.
&I'll smile for you(:
Friday, May 28, 2010♥3:38 PM
today's friday and im at home. no school cos its vesak day. frankly speaking, being at home really bores me to death. im running out of things to do, dont feel like studying, dont feel like reading books. i really dont know what to do. sigh. worst thing is, i really miss dear alot alot. but well, since today he's going out with rui yang, bock yang they all, i really want him to enjoy himself and not think abt me all the time. its not always that he'll actually go out with them instead of with me. hahas. well, so i shouldnt be selfish, and hope that im always on his mind. i know its been hard for the guys and im not as selfish as that anyways. hahas. well, im happy if he's happy. yeaps. alright. i'd better get back to studying, i suppose. but 1st, let me go try and play maple 1st. kinda relieves my childhood. hahas. bye peeps!
oh, and yes. my dear is non-edible. (:
&I'll smile for you(:
Wednesday, May 26, 2010♥7:27 PM
and as usual, a pretty normal day again. hmm, im running out of things to talk abt. if i keep on talking abt what happened in school, im sure it'd get boring pretty soon. hmm, ept lab test today. i think i can fail the quiz already. and i couldnt get that damn square wave on the ocilloscope. damn it. hence, i told the lecturer to just minus off that 2 marks. 2 marks out of 20. wont matter much, right? yeaps. hahas. it wont.
hmm, frankly speaking, i dont think i've ever told anyone what i really dislike and what i really like. that is, food, i mean. hahas. okay, so here are the food i dislike.
Food i dislike:
1. Garlic. my dad forced me to eat it raw when i was very young cos i ate very slowly. from then on, i hated garlic and never dared to eat it.
2. Ginger. i dont know why, but i just dont like it.
3. Fresh mushrooms. especially the white button one. hate it. doesnt taste nice.
4. Almond Biscuits or cake. hate the smell and the taste.
5. Spring Onions. it doesnt smell that bad, but i dont like the taste.
6. Oh yes. and blue cheese. the smell is super horrible. the taste is even worse.
Food i love:
1. Caramel!
2. Vanilla/ Strawberry ice-cream.
3. Strawberries with whipped cream.
4. Cheesecake.
5. Chocolates, especially white chocolates.
6. Mint Biscuits.
7. Caramelised Biscuits. yeaps, i really love caramel.
8. and last but not least, my dear. hahas.
hmm, why does it seems like the food i like are all desserts? mmm... yum yum. hahas.
&I'll smile for you(:
Tuesday, May 25, 2010♥7:47 PM
another pretty boring day. wrtoral presentation for the rest of the class. it got kinda boring cos alot of them did the topic on illegal downloading. one is good, two is interesting, three is okay, four is still okay, five is getting boring, and you know the rest. seriously. i think more than half the guys did illegal downloading lah. cant blame me for not being able to pay attention. hahas. hmm, did a few quizes in the last 2 weeks. got back the results, wasnt quite disappointed except for emaths 2. its a-maths for goodness sake. one subject that im good in. and yet, arrogance and carelessness caused me to actually got 12/20. how wonderful is that? very, i know. hahas.
its hard to be around someone who has got another side to him. an agressive side, whom he cannot control at all. really. i cant help trying staying away from him. its something i cant control. its my natural instinct. nvm, since i've made up my mind, i shouldnt care so much anymore. yeaps. thats right. whatever happens, will happen. it isnt something both of us can control. thats my fault for falling for you, isnt it?
well, i've decided to risk it all. as in really risk it all. its either i win, or i lose everything. this is seriously the biggest gamble i've ever took in my life so far. it will be the 1st, and the last. if i lose, thats the end of everything. dear, you know that too. dont ever break my heart and let me lose the gamble. my life is in your hands. you know that, dont you? you told me to risk it and trust you a 100%. thats what im doing now. thats because i love you enough to have complete trust in you. you can screw up my life if you want. it all depends on you now.
just know that its too late for me to turn back.
&I'll smile for you(:
Monday, May 24, 2010♥7:19 PM
well, today was pretty much a normal day. same as every other day, wake up, go school, attend lectures, tutorials, labs, whatever and then go out eat and then go home. except, i wasnt feeling well today. idk why. last friday idk what happened to my knee. i was just leaning against the seat at the bus stop n then who knows the seat wasnt stable and moved. i nearly lost my balance and suddenly my knee was super painful. dont know what i did. yeaps. luckily after awhile, it wasnt so painful anymore. but when i reached home, and i accidentally stretched my leg, that stupid knee hurts like well, idk what, but ya. thank goodness i was able to sleep after awhile. so for the whole sat, i didnt move around much. end up, my leg got numb easily whenever i sit for too long. hmm.. so sunday was better and i walked quite alot. stupid of me. my leg got numb again at night when i was talking to dear. it hurt also. couldnt take it. felt like crying. hahas. was okay today. just that my leg was abit weak. but still, can walk. though i wasnt able to walk quite properly.
its been 16 days since we got tgt. i still dont know if this risk is worth taking or not. im really worried it'd end badly. okay, why am i repeating the same thing? idk. i really dont. i'd seriously appreciate it if someone can tell me the future. worrying is a sin, i know. but how can i not be worried? yes, he says that he's serious. but still, i cant put 100% trust in him. there's always that little 5% that i keep holding back. what can i do? should i just risked it all and put myself at stake again? i used to do that. but now, that gamble seems too big a risk for me to take. i love him. i do. i really do. i know i cant really tell by now, but still, i am very sure that i really love him. should i take the risk once more? but this time, it'll be either win, or lose everything. if things turns out well, then good. if not, i'll never be able to trust another guy again. still, i hope for the best.
thank you dear. for everything (:
&I'll smile for you(:
Sunday, May 23, 2010♥8:37 PM
okay, so went for the GDOP today. GDOP stands for the Global Day Of Prayer, btw. it was kinda like a concert. totally different from the one i went for 3 years back. i kinda like today's one much better (: youths. hahas. well, kind of enjoyed myself, better than listening to an hour of sermon n trying hard to stay awake (:
so, weekends are good, cos i can finally rest after a week, but, i hate weekends cos i cant see dear. 2 whole days lehs. its getting too hard to bear. idk why, but why do i miss him so much?? maybe 2 weeks ago, i couldnt care much, but now, i really cant help it. could it be cause i've totally fallen for him? well, its hard not to fall for him cos he really treats me well. well, it seems like he's totally in love with me. but well, im not him. i wouldnt know how he thinks and how he really feels. hmm, i maybe lying to myself, again, but still, i'd rather believe in a lie than know the truth. thats right. the truth hurts. it really does. i really hope dear wouldnt be like any of the guys in my past. i really hope so.
i keep telling myself, dont trust a guy too much n dont ever ever give all your love to a guy. let the guy love you more. yeaps. i tell myself that. but i never learn from my lessons. and i end up crying when things end badly. yea, you would say, you deserve it. who told you to trust a guy so much and to love him so much? im really scared. very very scared this'd end badly. again. history has repeated itself for 4 times. its enough. it really is. dear, please dont ever break my heart. please. you can break all other promises you made if you want, but please, dont ever break this promise. love you, dear.
its better to love than to not love.
&I'll smile for you(:
Saturday, May 22, 2010♥11:39 AM
当我昨晚回想起这三年来所发生的事，我真不知道我到底是该后悔我所做的一切，还是该认为我并没有错。错的是我爱上了你，错的是我太天真，错的是我太相信你所说的一切。我才会为了你，和我的父母吵架，才会为了你，让我的父母那么伤心。不过，到头来，这一切在一夜之间都没了。虽然如此，我还是放不下你。我竟然笨的把我的前途那去赌。很笨吧？没错。那就是我。还好我的老师一直不放弃，一直劝我，我才没把自己的前途毁了。要不然，我一定不会放过你的。不过，也就因为你，我再也不再天真，再也不去相信那些对我说 “ 我爱你 ” 的人。这一切都是拜你所赐。不过，算了吧。 就把这一切当成经历吧！
kinda hate myself for everything i've done, kinda hate my life. yeaps, i do hate myself. i guess people wont know why i'd hate myself for. to people, it looks like i live a very good life, w/o ever getting hurt in my life. not true. so what if i have got the looks and brains, and figure? thats not anything good at all. in fact, my troubles all start from there. yeaps. i'd rather not have most of it. i guess i should be thankful for what i've been blessed with, but yet, here i am complaining. i know there will be others who would gladly take what i've been blessed with, but if only they knew how screwed up my life was when i was only 15. cant tell ar? hahas. i've done well to hide my feelings behind a mask. no one really knows how much i've been through, except dear, maybe. even so, he cant really know. cos, im only able to tell him through words. thats all. nvm, this is my life, my fate, my destiny. but still, im tired of it. i really am. tired of life, tired of living, tired of having to put on a brave front, tired of having to smile for everyone so that no one will suspect anything. people around me need not know how much i've been through. they need not let what affected me, affect them. they need not have to pity me. yeaps, thats right. i should just continue on with what i've been doing all along. just think of others feelings, and make them happy. it really doesnt matter whether im happy or not. (:
&I'll smile for you(:
Thursday, May 20, 2010♥8:26 PM
today's really been a really tiring day. im tired of trying to smile, tired of putting on a brave front, tired of trying to keep my temper in control, and tired of trying to make everyone feel happy. sorry, but i really cant do that anymore. the more you try to make people happy, the more they will take it for granted. please, for goodness sake, im not obliged to make everyone happy. im sure everyone knows that too. im just trying to consider other people's feelings too. thats all. i dont know why it'd actually turn out like that. if thats the case, why am i bothering to make people feel happy when they cant even be bothered abt how i feel? it just isnt fair, is it? yea, well, la vida es injusta. i know. i dont know why, but im just very unhappy abt it. its nothing much, i know. shouldnt kick a big fuss cos of it. but i really cant help it. i cant stop my feelings, can i? i've tried my best to keep quiet abt it. but there's a limit to it. there really is.
well, dear, im sorry abt it. i know i shouldnt get angry with you. after all, you're stuck in the middle. one side is friendship, the other is love. it isnt easy to choose, i know. Sé que me quieren mucho. thats why i tried to keep quiet. thats why i keep things from you. porque no quiero que usted te preocupes. but, i still got angry with you. lo siento, querido.
im just venting my frustrations, nothing meant. please do not be offended by anything (:
&I'll smile for you(:
Wednesday, May 19, 2010♥7:56 PM
okay, so, im trying to get this blog to be alive again. hahas. bet its not gonna work. after awhile i'll give up and totally ignore this blog for a few months again. hehe.
been feeling pretty unwell lately. headaches, dizziness, no appetite and feel like vomitting. whats wrong, i dont know. maybe its cause i've been unhappy lately? i think that should be the reason.
Gracias everyone, who made my life in poly so happy and enjoyable. w/o it, i think i wouldnt have been able to take it till now. amigos siguen siendo los más importante después de todo. amigos han estado allí para mí cada vez necesite. not to forget, querido too. hahas.
today's pretty much a boring day. didnt start my day well, overslept, went out of house in a hurry, didnt eat breakfast, went to take the shuttle bus and met the super irritating driver, nearly got to school late, drank water and dropped my bottle, spilled water all over the floor, had to go get the auntie to help clean up, went to refill my bottle and had to go all the way to the 5th floor, climbed stairs up again, felt dizzy, but couldnt do anything abt it. thank goodness my circuit worked. that made me happy enough to stay happy for the rest of the day. and of cos, thanks to querido who made me laugh even though he doesnt know that im actually in a bad mood. hahas.
Realmente espero que esto va a durar (:
&I'll smile for you(:
Tuesday, May 18, 2010♥8:45 PM
okay... so its been a month since school started. hmm.. so what am i supposed to blog abt? lots of things happened since sch started, so i wont deny that poly life is seriously exciting. but i dont get something. why on earth does boon peng dislike me so much? okay, so i dont like him that much either, but he's not supposed to know that at all. so, what can be the problem? i really dont know. did my 1st ever presentation in my poly life. totally screwed up. i did prepared myself. i did. but, when i went up, i was already nervous enough. okay, that was still alright. and then i started the presentation. just a few sentences into the presentation, jeffery aka apple, keep talking nonsense and asking stupid questions. i know my slides arent as good as his, okay? so, what has it got to do with him? i know he finished his presentation and did well for it, but hello! doesnt mean you do well, you can start commenting on other people's presentation right? i know you cant get into a JC, so stop acting like you seriously know abt everything! i can stand irritating people. but, im human too. it doesnt mean that if i've got alot of patience, i can stand any kind of nonsense from you. there's a limit to my patience, if you didnt realise. so, seriously, just shut up and listen to other people's presentation. why cant you just do that?
okay, enough of that. i should just seriously take it as an experience. okay. think abt happier things, valerie! hmm... i think i should just think of dear. hahas. he's like the 1st guy who can make me happy even when im angry with him lah. i just cant help it and i'll end up smiling instead of being angry with him. gracias, querido (: nunca esperaba encontrar a alguien que realmente me trata tan bien. you really make life in poly much easier for me to adapt to, y olvidarse de mi pasado. gracias, querido. there's nothing much i can ask for, just that i hope you wont be like my exs'. realmente.
te amo, querido(:
&I'll smile for you(:
Tuesday, May 4, 2010♥4:03 PM
been such a long time since i've touched this blog. its almost dead already. this few months has been really bad. staying at home with nothing to do didnt help at all. it made things worse instead. the nightmares i've been having got worse and all the unhappy things keep appearing in my mind. i hate it. i really do. why do i ever have to meet you? i've successfully avoided you for 2 years. yet, i still met you after all this time. why, why, why? why does life has to be like that? can someone tell me? it sucks. it really does. i had to drop my pure science because of you. but, because of it, i made up my mind that i'll never never let you destroy my future. and i did. i studied and ignored everything around me. i'll never be the same again.
but, after everything i've been through, im still here. i didnt let you completely destroy me. yeaps, dont think you're that great. you're not.
new school, new friends, new life. its time to forget everything in the past.
&I'll smile for you(:
