Saturday, June 26, 2010♥12:28 PM
sian sian sian sian! there's totally nothing to do at home. got back my test results. A , B+ , D. damn. stupid CKT. no wait. should be my own fault. for not bothering to study and refusing to listen to the lecture. but not back uh... never study, never listen still never fail. hahas. if only i studied, im sure i'd have gotten a much much better score. hahas.
sian.. i wanna go out! going to sim lim square later. maybe. dad wants to get a camera. maybe going to the singapore quarry later again. or pasir ris park. im gonna die of boredom if i continue to stay at home.
i need some fresh air! (:
&I'll smile for you(:
Wednesday, June 23, 2010♥8:51 PM
whats wrong? i really dont know... perhaps i made a great mistake of putting my trust in you despite knowing that im seriously not ready for it. perhaps. you say you care. but judging from your actions, none of it tells me that you really care. i want to believe everything you say. but your actions stops me from doing so. we're not tied to each other. go do what you like. i wont bother nor say anything and i hope you wont interfere with anything i wanna do too. even if i cut myself, its not your problem. its mine. it wont matter to you anyways. im sure im right.
im tired. im tired of this. im tired of having to think abt your feelings each and everytime i do something. im tired of smiling and pretending that nothing's wrong even though i have got alot of unhappiness inside. and, lastly, im tired of you asking if anything's wrong only when you feel like it. im tired.
its tiring to really love someone. now i understand it. and i dont think i can hold on any longer...
&I'll smile for you(:
Friday, June 18, 2010♥11:24 PM
just got back home not long ago from PS. walked around, and didnt buy anything at all. the last time i went there, i bought quite alot of things. thats why i never liked to go shopping with guys. it somehow dampen the mood. no offence to guys, please. ate dinner at just acia. it isnt even nice. totally unlike what bro said. i should know that he's different from me. sigh.
life's really unpredicatable. so are people. like they say, never judge a book by its cover. its damn true. we're in poly now for goodness sake. seriously, what goes around, comes around. be more mature abt things. we're gonna see each other for 3 years. 3 years, you know? put on mask. thats the least you can do. and dont talk abt it.
the most fragile thing on earth is relationships. a truth can strengthen a relationship. but on the other hand, it can also break a relationship.
&I'll smile for you(:
Monday, June 14, 2010♥8:48 PM
went back to sch today. finished my ept. was super happy! hahas. got so bored in the free access lab cos i had nothing to do. went around looking at people's work. hahas. went out for mac after that. thank goodness it wasnt kfc. i feel like vomitting everytime i think of the chicken drumstick. eww. had nasi lemak just now for dinner. didnt eat the chicken wing also. also felt like vomitting. gosh. hahas.
i saw you today. something i should have known i wont be able to avoid by choosing TP. still, who are you to make me go to somewhere far just for the sake of avoiding you? i'd be stupid to make such a big sacrifice, which i wouldnt. sorry, but humans are selfish creatures by nature. im sure you know that much better than the rest. im not the only girl you hurt. how much more selfish can you get? if there's a award for breaking people's heart or messing up lives, you would have won it. i wouldnt fall so easily. if i would, i would have given up on life 2 years back. now you're just getting a taste of how we felt like. good luck. its just the beginning. i'll live on and watch your downfall. life wont be so kind to you all the time. its time you get a taste of your own medicine. but, i wont be the one dosing out the medicine. someone else will. but all i can say is, you deserve it. big time.
&I'll smile for you(:
Sunday, June 13, 2010♥9:34 PM
tired. damn tired. did quite alot of walking today. walked from church to sim lim tower, walked around waiting for by and dear, and then walked up and down again. then walked to sim lim square, and walked around again. yea, in heels.
went to grandauntie's house after that, spend the whole evening chasing my little cousin. he's only 1 year plus, and he's super super active, unlike his sister and brothere. knows how to get people to do things for him also. smart(: so well, was watching him while his sister and brother was playing bubbles. was afraid he'd slip or fall down the step. his dad and aunty and my mum was there at 1st and somehow suddenly i found myself alone with them. damn, should have disappeared 1st. hahas, well, he did fall, and all he did was just wail once. scared me. i thought he was gonna wail and wail. anyways, his mum didnt even hear him wail. she only heard him fall and just ignore. im kinda getting used to the fact that their parents just leave them to cry and not fuss over them. hahas.
going school to do ept tml. i think im gonna disturb them. hahas. maybe not. still, idk. hahas.
i miss you, dear.
&I'll smile for you(:
Saturday, June 12, 2010♥10:21 PM
just got back. damn tired now. went out at 3 plus, now then got back. hahas. went to the dairy farm nature reserve. was told that it'd only just be a walk. ended up er.. trekking. yea.. i think it just rainned or something and the ground was slippery. didnt know what i'd let myself into till i walked into the trail. nearly slipped and fell a few times. thank goodness i was wearing shoes. not slippers. hahas. walked halfway then my dad told my mum that the trail doesnt lead to the quarry. turned back around again. should have continued walking. its actually one whole round and we would have come out somewhere near the carpark. damn.
went to the quarry after that. had to walk like 1.1km but it was worth it. the place's really quiet. gives you the feeling that you're not in singapore. love it! next time must bring dear and bockyang and elaine etc also. hahas.
dear, im sorry we had to have that conversation last night. i really didnt mean to make you choose between me and your friend. it isnt easy, i know. im sorry, dear.
&I'll smile for you(:
Friday, June 11, 2010♥11:03 PM
im going mad!
oh great. what kind of hols is this? staying at home, playing maple for 3hrs straight, off my com and lie on my bed not knowing what to do... im going mad. as in really going mad. wow. seriously.
stupid hols is messing up my feelings. i get damn bloody frustrated over little little things. like ya. you said i finally reply. well, you can be busy so why cant i? it doesnt mean i have to be in front of the com all the time when im online, right? i can just leave it and go do other things. cant i? anyways, my status's away. cant you see? what you expect me to do then? guard my com 24/7?
oh great. im getting so damn frustrated now. fine. im fine now after ranting (:
yeaps. went to cut my hair today. told the person to cut short my fringe.. now its bangs. oh great. i think i look weird. im not used to it. been a long time since i cut fringe. like maybe over 10 years? hahas.
iloveyou.
&I'll smile for you(:
Thursday, June 10, 2010♥8:26 PM
im BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
DDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
somebody help me! im going mad at home! seriously. this hols is driving me mad. im bored! help help help!
been mapling for 2 hrs today. seriously. im like just wasting mana, buying mana, and then wasting it again. money too much? i suppose so. hahas.
i wanna cut my hair. should i cut it short? nopes. dont think so. i prefer long hair and i'll look weird with short hair. hmm.. i should cut my fringe. yeaps. cut it short. its too long now. feels weird. hahas.
im going mad! XD
&I'll smile for you(:
Wednesday, June 9, 2010♥7:15 PM
woke up at 10 plus today, and felt like going back to sleep. but didnt, cos my parrots were making so much noise. had my breakfast, then played with them. decided to do EPT at abt 11.30am. took my own sweet time cos i seriously dont feel like doing and anyways, im not in a hurry. finished module 1 & 2 at around 3 plus and then started on module 3. then found out that the 7 segment LED given is a common anode, instead of a cathode as suggested in the paper. should have known something was wrong when i noticed that the 7 segment looked abit weird. luckily i didnt just solder everything blindly. or else, i'll be cursing and swearing now. oh well. so module 3 cannot be completed cos of that stupid 7 segment LED. but still can solder the rest of the components. my module 1 & 2 is working! yay! quite fun playing with it. in module 1, the LED will flash once when the push button is pressed. connect module 1 & 2 and you can see if your module 2 is working. fun! (:
i hate hols cos i dont get to see you. and i miss you badly.
&I'll smile for you(:
Tuesday, June 8, 2010♥8:29 PM
idk whats going on with me.. sometimes i wonder if i really made a mistake or not. i wonder if i should have kept to myself n continue to live past each day just for the sake of living. i dont know. i really dont. i should have just continued to pretend i've got no cares, no worries and just smile my way through each day. im finding it hard to live the life im living now. very hard. i think im numb to feelings too. i cant feel that he cares. i really cant. i've tried to feel. but i really cant feel anything. i know he cares. i know. but why cant i feel it?! i also cant feel that he loves me. i really cant.. i suppose the problem's with me.. i've build up a wall so strong to prevent myself from feeling the hurt over the past 2 years. its too strong for me to tear it down now. i've let my guard down a few times when i was with him. and each time, im really damn afraid it'll hurt. it isnt physical hurt. thats what so bad abt it.. how? can someone tell me what im supposed to do? trust him? i do. it still doesnt work..
i'll try my best to make things work out, dear. but its hard for me to trust anything a guy says. bear with it, for now. please.
&I'll smile for you(:
Monday, June 7, 2010♥8:05 PM
this is like the 3rd day of holiday. kinda. its officially the 1st day of the sch hols, but well, since my last paper ended last wed, so this is the 3rd day of my holiday. and im bored. very very bored. very very very bored. holidays are so boring. i've got nothing to do except online. well, i suppose i could get back to knitting the scarf for my dad's birthday, but still, lazy. i still have like 5 more months anyways. so well, put that aside 1st. got back my voice, but it still sound damn bad. being sick is really no fun. went to sleep after i offline today afternoon, and woke up with a headache. went to bathe and then eat dinner. no appetite but i still managed to finish everything cos my parents were there. vomit almost everything out after that. this is seriously, i dont know what to say lo. sigh. hate it.
i realised now that i actually dont have any close friends who are guys. it seems like every guy who gets close to me has a motive. yeaps. so i dont really trust guys easily. 9/10 guys get close to you because they like you. true, isnt it?
was searching for a song called "love, me" by collin raye. my english teacher let us listen to it before and i find it touching. i like this passage: If you get there before i do, dont give up on me. I'll meet you when my chores are through, i dont know how long i'll be. But im not gonna let you down, darling wait and see. But between now and then, till i see you again, i'll be loving you. Love, me.
find it sweet. dont you think so? (:
&I'll smile for you(:
Sunday, June 6, 2010♥9:24 PM
woke up today morning and found that no voice came out when i tried to answer my mum. wasnt even this bad last night. felt so weird being not able to shout at my bro. quite peaceful in the house today. hahas. still, managed to pick a quarrel with my bro in the car, but it ended quickly cos i know that i'll never win him w/o my voice. so well, i shut up instead. went to church and went out to buy coconut to drink. people say its good for sore throat. yea, right. the coconut wasnt even cold. not sweet also. i prefer the thai young coconut. didnt help much. well, anyways, today's sermon was interesting. surprisingly. the pastor was very good at catching people's attention. didnt feel like sleeping, for once. hahas. hmm, went to sim lim tower to buy the EPT components. i never learn my lesson lo. never to wear heels and walk far. sigh. well, wont die anyways. went into this shop to buy LEDs then was having so much fun trying the LEDs to see which one's brighter. wanted to get the blue one but its like $1.00 for one LED. so ex! i wonder why they dont have purple or pink LEDs lo. if have, i confirm buy! hahas. wanted to buy the RGB LED also. it will change from red to green to blue. hahas. so after that went to grandauntie's house w/o my bro. peace. cos he went to iluma for some game event or something. so well, went there and dinner was like mostly fried stuff. so well, heck care. just eat. hahas. after that my grandauntie boiled some er.. sour plum plus some herbs or something. idk. wasnt that bad, but it was salty. very salty. celebrated my cousin's birthday then. she isnt my close cousin, but well, we're closer than my close cousins. wonder why. anyways, i couldnt eat the cake, cos it was black forest with chocolate from japan. but nvm, i got some to bring home. as usual. hahas.
My cousin
And her cake(:
i'll always love you, dear.
&I'll smile for you(:
Saturday, June 5, 2010♥10:36 PM
im home! finally. hahas. went to malaysia today. to kukup, johor. seriously, that place is well, a village. the place's really run down and to make things worse, it rainned. w/o stopping. yea. so we reached there around 11am. walked around and it started rainning at like 11.30am. went to eat ices. yea, chocolate ice, mango ice, banana ice. i ate chocolate ice. sat there for quite a long time trying to enjoy the rain... till like abt 12.45pm. then went to eat lunch. yeaps. seafood. seriously, things in malaysia are cheap. very cheap. even though the exchange rate isnt that good now, its still cheap. the meal cost around 89rm for 4 people. which is like less than S$40. cheap, isnt it? but still, i lost my voice because of the black pepper crab! because of a crab, i lost my voice! its so not worth it lah! plus, i just ate durian just now. i find it very difficult to talk now. serve me right. hahas. so here's my lunch:
still got one more dish. didnt bother taking pic. it was vegetables-.-
hahas, on the way back, in the carpark just now, my sweet brother dropped 3 bottles of soy sauce on the floor! broke one bottle only ( quite a pity ), but nevertheless, he made a big mess, and got scolded by both my mum and dad. such a rare sight to see. hahas. well, of cos, i added in, and told my dad how exactly did he dropped the bottles. and he raised his voice at me. my dad scolded him, cos he was at fault and yet he still acts like its not his problem that he broke the bottle. so when my dad asked him to throw away the plastic bag with the broken glass, my dad accidentally got some soy sauce on his pants. he lost his temper with my dad then, and got scolded again. came after me and my mum in a temper, and asked me to shut up and not extra. my mum wasnt happy with him at all, cos he was the one at fault and yet its like everyone else fault instead of his. what a happy ending today! worth it! (:
P.S. my dad say dear is at least quite responsible cos he sent me home and bothered to call and inform someone that im not feeling well, and my bro was like, "not fair. why you never say the same thing to me??" seriously. he just cant get it. hahas.
&I'll smile for you(:
Friday, June 4, 2010♥12:27 PM
went for the bbq yesterday, was fun, to a certain extent. got there early at abt 3 plus and the sun was damn freaking hot. i totally forgotten that i havent been in the sun for a long long time, and i happily just played in the sun w/o thinking. went into the sea some more. i didnt plan for that -.-. then, was waiting for elaine to come so i could "bomb" her, cos i was damn bored. hahas. hmm.. jeffery was the 1st to reach other than adam, and he said that he was gonna be late. yea, late. as if. love the part where i saw jeffery's water bottle on top of the styrofoam box when he went to rent a bike. poured salt in it and ben was like "pour more lah!" hahas. so poured quite alot of salt and then i added coke. a little. just a little. hahas. the taste was really "awesome"! i wasnt prepared for the taste at all lo. and ya, i spit out the water. hahas. b4 that, darren and ruiyang had abit of problem and adam was like "darren just playing de lah". rubbish lo. luckily nothing really happened. ruiyang was super quiet and he was sitting alone. never seen him so quiet b4. was afraid his split personality'd appear. thank goodness it didnt. hmm.. so the bbq continued, and at around 9 plus, everyone was crowding around the bbq pit waiting for food. snatching food would be a better way to describe it. hahas. poor dennis. he was the one bbqing and he didnt get any to eat. and raymond also. he seems like quite an expert at handling the fire. he should have reached earlier. then we might have gotten more food to eat and everyone wouldnt have been so hungry. overall, still not a bad day (:
oh yes. was unwell last night. should be cause i didnt take lunch, and only had a pao for my breakfast. then didnt get much to eat at the bbq either. plus playing in the sea and then sitting in the rain... really felt like fainting when i was walking back to downtown east to take bus. but well, dear was there, and i didnt want him to worry. took all the energy i had to concentrate on not fainting. never felt so dizzy b4. so took bus 3 tgt with ruiyang and dennis home.. seriously, i feel damn bad cos they had to follow dear to send me safely home. they were supposed to go to bedok with bockyang and kianyu. felt really really bad abt it. should have just left b4 dear noticed anything was wrong. note to self: next time i must leave if im not feeling well b4 dear notice. sent me to the lift lobby, then dear called my house after i took the lift. i know he just meant well, and i shouldnt have lost my temper with him. but seriously. my f*cking brother refused to open the door n worse still, he tried to make things worse by going to my dad and say " that guy send her home. that guy you know? " seriously, whats his problem? cant a classmate send me home cos its late and im not feeling well? and he's not the only one anyways. just what does he seriously want? to get me into trouble with my dad? fine, do so then. i'll tell my dad that he was playing facebook last night after everyone slept. see if my dad confiscates his phone or not. childish i know, but still, his phone is the most precious thing to him. he can wreak havoc w/o it. so yeaps. im interested to see what he'll do this time. i dont care if it causes another conflict in my family. happy new year. since my mum's already ignoring me and doing nothing for me, so why would i care if she hates me more? doesnt make a difference to me.
thanks ruiyang, dennis and dear for sending me back though it wasnt on the way at all. and im sorry for troubling all of you. sorry!
&I'll smile for you(:
♥12:05 PM
growing up is seriously not fun. i really wish i could go back to the time when i was in sec 1. not much freedom, everything was planned for me by my parents, but still, i dont have to feel so stress. i've been losing control over my temper lately. i guess it cos of the things that happen around me... i really cant stand my mum doing everything for my bro, and totally not doing anything for me. she expects me to wash the clothes. its clothes, for goodness sake. handwash somemore. where do i even get the time to do that? saturday? thats like a day for me to rest after one whole week of school! its not as if i get my sundays free too. she dont even have much to do at home. why cant she just wash the bloody clothes? thats not all. she irons all other clothes, except mine. just throw everything on the bed and expect me to pick it up and put it back and iron it! seriously, like wtf? and, though i wake up at almost the same time as my bro, she only makes breakfast for him. milo, somemore. she expects me to make my own, but how am i supposed to drink it when its damn bloody hot? its not like i have got too much spare time to spare. i have to get out of the house by 8 for god's sake! and then, she complains abt me not drinking anything in the morning. fine then, get fresh milk and put it in the fridge lah! problem is, my f*cking brother's forever finishing it by eating cereal in the afternoon, and night, w/o even thinking of others! well, of cos. my mum's always preparing breakfast for him. whats there for hin to worry abt? whats the point of loving him then? his main goal in life is to screw up my life. fine, screw it then. i dont need a brother like him. two can play at a game. i've been giving in to him long enough. i've been thinking that he'll grow out of it. i've been thinking, just give him a chance. but i had enough. he cant understand why my dad loves me so much. thats because he doesnt know how to read people's feelings. it serves him right. it really does. he's been too pampered by me, thinking i dont know how to fight back. he shouldnt have been so selfish, hoping that both mum and dad will only love him. if thats the case, he should have been born into another family. having one parent loving you is enough. point is, he never understands that. well.. let him learn then. he never learns from his mistakes. not even after letting him have a taste of his own medicine a few times. i've really tried my best to change him. to make him understand how harsh life can be. but still, he doesnt learn. dont blame me for being harsh then.
my patience with you, has nearly reached its limit. f*ck with my life, and i swear you'll regret it.
&I'll smile for you(:
Thursday, June 3, 2010♥10:08 AM
all of a sudden, i find myself thinking abt the days in secondary school. i really miss the life in secondary school. though there were happy and unhappy times, its still memorable. i remember thinking when i was in secondary school, that i just want to graduate and get out of that school. but now, i find myself missing it. its a part of my life, no doubt, a part where i can never go back to. miss all the friends i made, miss all the laughter, miss all the fun, and even the quarrels that we had. come to think of it, it was really stupid to quarrel over those little things. stupid, but at that time, it seemed like something big to all of us. hahas. now as we grow up, there isnt anymore time nor chance to fight over little things. as we grow up, we fight for love, for a place in life etc. there's no way we can go back to just being contented with whatever we have and focus more on winning the quarrels with our friends. miss being carefree, miss having no stress at all. miss playing all day w/o having to bother abt anything at home, miss just wasting time slacking at the void deck just because we dont feel like going home. miss the times when we can just go anywhere, as long as there are seats for us to sit on and chat. miss chatting, cursing people, talking abt the unhappy memories, and laughing like crazy over almost everything we said. miss them all. remember 2 years back, we were sitting at the void deck, talking abt the sec 4's taking o-level and how we were laughing at them? at the beginning of last year, you told me that this year's our turn. yet it feels like we still had alot of time. in june, after mother tongue o-level, you were like "oh no, now is already june" but still, we continued to stay at the void deck after school and chat. however, the times got shorter, because i wanted to go home and study. i wonder, i really wonder if there's someone else who are doing the same thing as us now. hahas. miss those fond memories, and most of all, i miss a good friend like you. now we all have our own life to lead, and hopefully, we can still meet again. remember our promises? to go to each other's weddding. remember. love you, babe!
going for bbq later on. waiting for dear, elaine, rui yang, bock yang, and kian yu to come my house to help me make the satay. woke up 1 and half hour earlier than the time i'd plan to wake up. dont know why. slept at 12am last night. was totally tired. stupid lime. why on earth did my dad buy the big lime? he should have bought the small ones. i dont have so much strength to squeeze the lime la. thank goodness 2 was enough. if not, i dont know what i'd have done to the lime. hahas.
yeaps, dear dont dare to eat anything i make now after he saw what i did to the mango. hahas. it really wasnt my fault. the mango was so soft, and i totally had no idea how to cut a mango. do you cut the skin 1st or just cut it into half? i dont know. hahas. but well, i do know how to cut a lime and a apple. hahas.
&I'll smile for you(:
Wednesday, June 2, 2010♥4:10 PM
over, its over! 3 days of tests is over! yay! hopefully i can do well for the dfund test. well.. maybe cos of careless mistake i wont. well, dont care (:
im getting really really bored. sigh.. nothing to study.. seems like exams are something good after all. sigh sigh sigh.. sian sian sian~
really tired now. feeling dizzy also.. dont know why. should be cos i didnt sleep much last night.
nothing much to post abt. tml morning elaine, kianyu, bockyang, ruiyang, and dear coming to my house to make satay. hmm.. dear better behave himself. or else, i'll throw him out. b4 he leaves a bad impression on my mum. hahas. sorry dear, but i cant help it. so, behave yourself (:
been a long time since i last went to pasir ris park. the last time i was there, i remembered i was super depressed. was wondering how it'd feel to just leave everything behind and just walk into the sea.. life totally had no meaning for me. brings back alot of past memories. the happy times, the upset ones, and the depressed ones.. but now, life holds a new meaning for me. thanks to dear. hahas.
i've never met someone like you. and i never want to meet someone like you again, cos you're the only one i love(:
&I'll smile for you(:
Tuesday, June 1, 2010♥4:31 PM
2 papers down, 1 more to go!
love having only 3 papers. but i know that this is only for the 1st year, 1 semester. hmm.. i'd better make the most of it while it lasts. hahas. plus, we only have to go school for like just an hour or so for that paper. how shiok is that? hahas.
love my friends. somehow they'll always make me start laughing.
im getting lazy. very very lazy. lazy to study. guess how i actually studied for my ckt? read through some past year questions yesterday night on capacitors (thats only 2 questions actually). read. not do. i spent the rest of the time talking to dear and playing facebook. awesome huh? then i folded hearts and went to sleep. today morning, i actually tried to memorise the formulas. all because i felt quite guilty for not studying. wow. just because i felt guilty. didnt know that can be a reason for flipping through the textbook last min. w.o.w.
love life in tp. its way better than sec sch life. never regret choosing tp.
dear, ily.
&I'll smile for you(:
My cousin
And her cake(:
